Not only is Scotland the home of shortbread, bagpipes and some pretty gnarly weather, but the not-so-wee country also plays host to some of the UK’s most brutal death metal.
After the success of their first full length release Born of a Cancerous Womb, MetalMouth catches up with Edinburgh foursome Cancerous Womb to discuss One Direction, Jaffa Cakes and Menstrual Fry-ups …..
Who do you think has the tidiest womb, Cilla Black or Barbara Windsor?
Mike Robertson (Guitars) – Tidiest? I would say Cilla Black. Do you mean fit or smooth?
I guess I mean tidiest for the age.
Chris Lewis (Vocals) – Well I think good old Barbara was a bit of a good time lass if you know what I mean.
Mike – The one from Eastenders?
Chris – Yeah she used to get her tits out in the old Carry On films. She’s like a quintessential GILF. Cilla Black would be a bit rougher and dirtier I reckon.
Mike – Does scouse accent “Go on do me in the glory hole!”
What’s the most outrageous merch you would ever want to produce?
Chris – Well I have seen bands produce their own ball gags. However I wouldn’t say that’s outrageous as everyone is into different stuff.
Mike – I can’t really think of anything that we would want to produce off the top of our heads.
Chris- Oh Rammstein bought out their own Dildo set didn’t they of their own penises? That’s pretty cool I would rather do something like that.
Mike – Yeah I wouldn’t mind making a cast of my cock and having people go running around with it, that would be funny. But then again some people might see it and think it’s shit.
Chris – Yeah, if he’s got a bigger dick that me I’d cry haha!
Mike – Or I could go one step further and do a cast copy of my own arsehole.
Chris – Like one of those fleshlights?!
Mike – Yeah but of my bum hole! You can buy this gel that porn stars use for making casts to use, that ought to do it.
Chris – We can all make a set each and see if our own dick fits in our arse.
What would you rather do, chop one of your balls off or join One Direction?
Mike – I would well rather join One Direction. Imagine having all that money.
Chris – Also, imagine having no sack, but your nuts just dangling about. I would also Join One Direction.
Mike – I actually quite like One Direction! They’ve got some pretty decent songs.
Chris– They don’t write or play them though. So it’s more like someone has some pretty decent songs.
Mike – Yeah someone knows how to write a fucking catchy song I will give them that.
Who in death metal would you like to give a nice big cuddle?
Chris– Hmmmm I’m trying to think of a nice person….
Mike – Yeah, someone who is really nice. We give cuddles to everyone anyway. Generally everyone we meet we really get on with. People tend to give us cuddles quite a bit actually ha ha! I’m trying to think if there’s anyone we haven’t met who it would be good to cuddle.
What about someone whose really angry and needs a calming cuddle?
Chris– Oh an angry man! To help calm him down and make him feel better? I think anyone. I don’t really know. Whose angry?
Mike – George Fisher?
Chris – Ah yeah I would give George Fisher a hug!
Mike – But he doesn’t seem like he’s angry?
Chris – True, but I’m struggling to think of who in death metal needs a cuddle, so I’ll go with George Fisher.
What are your top three ingredients in a “Menstrual Fry-up?”
Chris – Tampons, obviously.
Mike – Tampons, fanny pads, anything menstruation related.
Chris – Just blood.
Mike – Just the actual menstruation gunk.
Chris – (repulsed) the “gunk?”
Mike – Yeah like all the clots and that.
Chris – Ugh I nearly threw up man.
If murder was legal, who would you tear “From Gunt to Cunt?”
Chris – I don’t know really.
Mike – No, we’re not really angry men.
Chris – Someone would have to be pretty brutal to get that done to them. It would have to be someone that I really don’t like.
What about Nigel Farrage if you could get away with it?
Chris – Nah there’s always better things to do?
Mike – This is all theatrics we don’t actually believe in any of that shit. We’re all actually pretty mild mannered men out in public. But if I could then yes there are probably quite a few people I would kill ha ha! Now I’m going to sound like a maniac.
What is the one place you would love to play but haven’t yet?
Both – America!
Chris – East Coast…
Mike – Like California and places like that.
Chris – Either of the coasts actually. You’ll probably need to check where California is as I’ve probably got the coasts wrong! Somewhere brutal as fuck like Russia would be pretty cool to play too.
Mike – Japan for me probably be the best actually as I really want to go there.
Chris- Puts on a sinister voice, I know why you want to go there. The Vending machines.
Mike – *Laughs* yeah so I can get into some weird threeway Hentai.
There’s those vending machines that sell women’s pants out there…
Mike – Yeah they’re everywhere, you get them in kinder eggs and shit. Imagine the poor kid who ends up with those. There are women who sell their own dirty clothes for money. I would definitely do that. I think I would kid on that I was a female and then just sell my trousers.
Depends what sort of weirdo would want your trousers…
Chris – I think some of them want to actually see you do it. They want you to go round to their house or vice versa, see you potter about in the socks for a while and then pay you the cash and fuck off with the socks.
When is it appropriate to throw in the brutal towel and listen to Avenged Sevenfold?
Both – NEVER!
Mike – I don’t like Avenged Sevenfold, but I can listen to loads of stuff that isn’t stereotypically extreme metal. I think listening to a lot of music is hugely advantageous to anyone,if you think about it metal stems from a whole host of different genres. So it’s important to always chuck in the brutal towel. I do really like death metal and grind and stuff like that but at the same time it does become hugely brain numbing. If you have a really narrow mindset towards anything then you will just be stuck in one kind of place. You will never change or appreciate or challenge yourself to listen to anything else.
Chris – I agree I fall asleep to like, really mellow albums every night.
Mike – I suppose I listen to what staunch, avid metallers would consider awful music but I can listen to things and appreciate all manner of genres.
Chris – does impression of devout metaller “That’s really gay what are you listening to that for!”
Mike – Ha ha yeah! Basically I can listen to a wide variety of stuff, but Avenged Sevenfold are really shit. They’re extremely pompous and all the ego that comes with it is awful. It’s like Hard Rock Cafe metal. But yeah always chuck in the brutal towel.
Chris – Even when you’re on stage.
How important is the cleanliness of your colon’s to the success of the band? Is it a case of dirty riffs, dirty bottoms?
Chris – I have a shower every day.
Mike – I haven’t had a shower today, so my botty is a little bit muggy.
Chris – I can’t go a day without having a shower. We did a tour once and we were in Nottingham and I spent ages walking around looking for a public shower because I was dying for one. I went into the toilets in the venue, assuming there would be showers in there and was asking every security guard where the changing rooms were. I didn’t have my pass on me but kept winging it to the next point, it was like a maze. I ended up downstairs, blagging that I was here with the guys who were setting up the stage and had to go back upstairs. Eventually I ended up in a guys house next to the venue with a shower that was so broken, I had to flannel my balls and arse in a cold bath. Even if it means flannelling in cold water, always keep your colon clean.
Mike – I don’t think any of us have got really dirty bottys. I think we’re quite clean and fairly healthy. I suppose your botty dirt is determined diet and we’ve got a pretty decent diet. I eat a lot of jaffa cakes and that keeps mine clean. That’s my advice!
Chris – Mike bought this rotten stilton cheese once however.
Mike – I had been on a picnic in a safari park before going on tour and forgot that all the food was still in my bag. I had frubes, sour cheese, crackers, humous oat cakes…
Chris – He had left dairy products, in a bag for a few days and they had been sat there getting hotter and hotter. Back to the smelling thing obviously you get some people that smell terrible.
Long Hair – Yeah some people have pretty awful personal hygiene.
Bald – I think for us it’s more clean botties and clean riffs.
Mike – Yeah our riffs are quite clean and we’re quite clean. We don’t actually have that much brutality in our music. A lot of our stuff stems from thrash, so it has to be quite articulate, so it can’t be constant brutality. Our stuff is a lot cheerier, cheekier and more upbeat. There we go cheeky botties cheeky riffs!
Chris – Squeaky clean, cheeky botties!
Scotland is home of the deep fried Mars Bar. No holds barred, if you could deep fry anything what would it be and why?
Chris – I would do Reese’s Cups.
Mike – I worked in a chippy for a wee bit when I was 15. They used to deep fry anything. Eggs, Maltesers, stuff would just get chucked in there. The best one they had was a double decker. A deep fried Double Decker was fucking amazing. But I don’t tend to eat much deep fried stuff as I find it fucking horrific. You can get deep fried Pizza which is fucking mental. Doner meat on a deep fried pizza is enough to give you a fucking heart attack and clog the shit out of your arteries.
Chris – I don’t feel very well today and this is not helping haha!
Mike – I wouldn’t mind a deep fried gin and tonic.
Chris – For me it would be deep fried Reese’s cups, or a kinder egg, or a crème egg. Or a Ferrero Roche! Did you know the world record for eating those is eight in a minute? That would be the ultimate deep fried treat.
Debut album, ‘Born of a Cancerous Womb’ is out now on Grindscene Records.
CONFIRMED 2014 SHOWS:
Glasgow Slamfest: July 13th @ Shadow Central.
Malta Deathfest: Sep 7th.
London Snuff-Fest: Sep 13th @ The Black Heart. – www.facebook.com/events/229496487241481
Berlin Deathfest: Oct 4th.
Rape The Escape Fest, Vienna: Dec 12th.